I don’t want to find myself.

This age gap is predominantly defined by the time of finding yourself. But what happens when I do? Does life suddenly get uninteresting? Isn’t there beauty in the whirlwind caused by the multiple contradictions that we are composed of? I don’t ever want to find myself, because that means defining myself. That means putting a box around myself. I can’t do that.

Nothing else matters

1. My faith
2. My family/friends
3. My schooling
4. My arts

Surface

My appearance is simply just an exhibition of how my soul has manifested itself. In biology, we’re told that different genes can manifest itself into different phenotypes based on the different environments these genes were harvested in. My appearance is a testament to that. My appearance is mere a hint of my soul.

Awakening

Long rides mean a lot to me. They always get me thinking. I experience my most profound thoughts when I’m driving alone to nowhere in particular just blasting my music. It’s my me time. Today’s thoughts led me to realizing how limited I am. I am so content with my life. Which I suppose is also a blessing, considering the fact that there are tons of people who couldn’t even say as much…with that bring said I am grateful for my life. And grateful that I have the opportunity to even call my mindset content. Anyways, I was driving today, and I realized that I always think about the same things. That realization frightened me. Am I really that basic and shallow? How can my thoughts be completely consumed by variations of generally the same things: sweet memories, my family and friends, my schooling, my inspirations, my people and my future. That’s essentially all I think about. How selfish of me. How can I only be concerned about the few things and people that live under the umbrella I call my life. What about the outside world? And apart from how selfish this realization made me feel, it also made me realize how much I am limiting myself by this complacency. When I say I’m selfish, I don’t mean that I don’t care about others, or that I put myself before others, I just mean that I am only concerned about the people that are in my world. I don’t think about life on a grand scale. I need to be more aware of every different type of cycle of life. It was just another display of how little I know. I know nothing. I want to grow, and I feel like this attitude I’ve developed is stifling me. If I only consume myself with that I am familiar with, then I will never know other things. It sounds like simple logic, and it is…but somehow it only clicked in my mind tonight. I realized that broadening my horizons in every form (not just the things I do, or the places I go, but even down to broaden my very own thoughts) is the only way I can grow. Growing up is finding yourself. Part of finding yourself is experience. What I mean is that, there are things that I don’t even know that I don’t know. How will I know whether I like something or not, or whether I’d find some beneficial to my life or not if I don’t even know it exists. In order to truly find myself, I need to find the world. I need to know as much as I can possibly know about the world, so that I can thoroughly pick and choose the parts of the world that I feel would define me. Right now, my knowledge is so limited, and therefore my selection of things that I could find relations to are also limited. I was thinking these things tonight, and it baffled me how much I don’t even know about myself. I don’t know everything I could possibly like, or hate, because there is so little I actually know. I want to get to know myself better. I was so surprised when I realized this tonight, because I never thought I’d be the one to fall into complacency. And that surprise alone is a testament of how little I actually do know about myself, because as I was thinking these things I also realized that this attitude isn’t something I just developed overnight, so I shouldn’t have been surprised at all. There has always been heavy hints of monotony in my life. I’ve always been the one to stick to what I know. If I like something I fall into the habit of sticking to that thing. I need to go out and search for more of things I find appeasing. When it hit me how little i know about myself, it made me think: “if this is how little I know about myself, then can you imagine how little I know about the world? If my soul has such limited knowledge on the body it lives in, how much knowledge can it possibly have on the things living outside this body? (side note: I say this in such an odd manner to create a visual. My soul is the center of me– like the core of an apple. My body are the layers surrounding that core sort of like the layers of an onion. That is how I see my body. The deepest, truest form of my is within all the layers. These are where these thoughts sprout from– that seed, or core or whatever. Everything else surrounds it and increasingly dilutes the further it gets from the core. So, if I don’t know much about the direct layers outside this core, then I don’t know anything about the life outside this fruit. )

I love my life. Thoroughly and completely, but that’s no excuse to stop being actively curious. I love my family, I love my friends, I love my surroundings, and mostly I love how much potential and opportunity my life has been blessed with. However, I want more. I want to take advantage of said potential and opportunity. I need to branch out. I need to listen to more music, view more art, listen to more people, read more books, go to more places. I NEED TO EXPLORE. i need to absorb all that the world has to offer and become one with all the aspects that could possibly adhere to my soul. Basically, in simplest terms, what I’m saying is…I’m really just fucking bored.

I’ve been sleeping better. That is important.

I’m so naive.

Response

“do you think that loving someone who no longer loves you is just refusing to let go? is it really love or just the holding on of what used to be? and if so, what is that? infatuation is too endearing. this kind of “love” stems from having lost, not looking forward to gaining. like obsession? that’s a sad word. i like this post. it’s making me think a lot. maybe, then, i don’t like this post..”

Hmmm…”love” is so complicated. Mostly because I think it’s so subjective, and it bears a complete different meaning to everyone. I believe that if you love someone you never stop loving them. You can stop actively loving them, as in, you wouldn’t be IN love with them, but I feel like if you truly loved love (love rather than loved, because if this is the case then it would mean that love would never have a tense), someone then you will always have love for them. I think real love has to stand the test of time, and sometimes the only way to know if you ever truly loved someone is in retrospect. So, to answer your question, no I don’t think it’s refusing to let go. I think it’s more of just having a hard time transitioning from active love to inactive love.

You cannot believe in love if you do not believe in fate.

I heard this while watching a movie. I think I agree with that statement. Fate is the only way love could ever make sense. Everyone essentially has the same amount of flaws, all humans are a piece of shit in some way, and we all have scumbag behavior in each and everyone of us. The only way it makes sense for someone to be able to tolerate someone else’s shit over the next persons is if it was fate. You were meant to love the people you love. I believe in soul mates, that there’s someone out there who completes you. Someone who with them, you are one. And therefore, it has to be fate. Bonds like that don’t create spontaneously, they were meant to happen. It’s far to much of a coincidence.

I guess this is growing up.

I need to humble myself.

…Those aren’t exactly the words that I’m looking for.

I’ve always been proud….very very proud. It’s almost to a fault, but I’m being honest when I say my pride is one of the things I clench deeply into, claw scratches and all. But, I don’t believe that I am not a humble person. I always pay my respects where due. I’m very grateful and I realize that I am an intelligent woman, however I always pay homage to those that have given me said intelligence. But I need more knowledge. I need so, so, so much more knowledge. There’s so much that I don’t even know that I don’t know. There’s just so much, and my God, I want it all. Call me greedy, but I seriously yearn for knowledge. And I know I don’t show this desire and curiosity so much considering my grades and all, but when I say knowledge, I mean far pass academia. I’m talking more along life lessons, type of knowledge. The type that you can only get through living. I just want knowledge. But in order to obtain this, I need to be more open to it. I’m so ashamed of how closed minded I’ve become. The irony of it, is that I thought I was so open minded. I went through a period of time, it was one of my “bettering myself” periods where I address topics and life issues and try to look at it from every aspect. I’d ponder and ponder over issues until I came to what I thought was the undefinable right answer for said issue. I thought that by looking at it from so many different aspect that my conclusion was then balanced. But I didn’t realize the limitations of my own mind. I can’t be open minded if I’m stuck within the walls of my mind. I needed to literally leave my mind, and not find the answers to these questions through deep moments of solitary thoughts, but through experience! The answers are all right in front of me. I need to be more confident in listening to the opinions of others. I need to sink into sponge mood, and instead of just thinking, and preaching….how about I listen? My pride is something that I don’t think I’ll ever really give up. But I think that the only way to preserve my pride is to make myself the best person I can be. I have to give myself a reason to be proud. And in order to do so, I need to break myself down and allow my flaws to be revealed. I have to allow myself to be more vulnerable, therefore I can make improvements about the things I am vulnerable about. The only way to do that is by being open minded about the things I am wrong about, and accepting the fact that someone can influence me to be better. I don’t have to figure it all out in my head. If I’m going to be proud, then I have to be humble. Because being proud means that you’re strong enough to address those who help you, but more importantly you’re strong enough to admit when you’re wrong and when you need help. Pride and humility cannot live without each other. Ironic, right?

God, and things.

I was talking with a friend of mine the other day. Actually, it was more like the other week or so…it wasn’t too recent. However, what he said really stuck with me. I’ve been thinking about it since we had this conversation. We were talking religion, and I was telling him that I go to church all the time, but that while I love and pray to my God all the time, I don’t appreciate the whole idea around church and how while I believe thoroughly and completely in my God, I don’t believe in organized religion. I told him how, I don’t respect how all religions have all these tight rules which when you think deeply about these restrictions they really don’t retract in anyway from your bond with your God. I continued to tell him that I hate when I go to church and they start doing their holier than thou shit, where they proceed to condemn matters such a homosexuality. And then he said “but that’s what church is supposed to do. Church is supposed to touch matters that you don’t necessarily agree with. I’d feel out of place if I didn’t go to church and heard them say something that made me uncomfortable.”
Well, that’s what he said essentially. He then continued on to explain that how although he too doesn’t always agree with the messages the church preaches strong about, he appreciates them because they make him go home and evaluate his life, and speak to God privately about why these matters make him feel uncomfortable.

I really dig that way if thinking. Him saying that really encourages me to appreciate church and religion a lot more. It is going to be something that I want to be more knowledgable on. I already have a strong bond with God, and I don’t by any means think that religion always makes for a better relationship with God. I very much believe that you can be religious and be a devout follower and still not have a close relationship with God. But, looking at it the way my boy explained I think it when pertaining to my specific relationship with God, I think that going to church and later on coming home and addressing the things that made me uncomfortable will only tighten my relationship with God. And at the very least, it will make me a better thinker and more open minded person.

In fact, come to think of it, me and him had a very nice conversation that day. He really made me think about things in different ways. I like it when people open my mind to new ways of thinking. Even if I don’t agree with their expressed sentiment, I’ll always appreciate it if its an honest, and logical thought. Especially when it’s ones that I never thought about myself. For example, me and him that night were talking about homosexuality and you know, how guys usually get around that topic. They’re always so quick to say some variation of how they don’t have any problems with gay guys so long as they don’t get hit on…blah blah blah. Anyways, once we hit the homosexuality topic I was expecting to here something to that effect from him. I was already getting ready to tap into my feminista side and explain to him how guys cat call and thereby disrespect women all the time, and that men are hypocritical for getting so upset when they experience the same exact thing. However, I didn’t get a chance to because rather then go on about how he wouldn’t like to be approached by a gay guy, my friend simply said that his only concern about homosexuality is that he doesn’t understand it. He says that he doesn’t have a problem with homosexuality and wouldn’t hold it against anyone if they were gay, but that he just doesn’t understand how it works. He continued on to say that men and women are made for each other. Our bodies fit, perfectly. And that that’s the reason why he’s attracted to females…because they fit right with him. That he’s attracted to women because we have what he doesn’t have….we have his missing pieces. And that he doesn’t understand being gravitated to what he already has. I completely understood that logic.