Awakening

Long rides mean a lot to me. They always get me thinking. I experience my most profound thoughts when I’m driving alone to nowhere in particular just blasting my music. It’s my me time. Today’s thoughts led me to realizing how limited I am. I am so content with my life. Which I suppose is also a blessing, considering the fact that there are tons of people who couldn’t even say as much…with that bring said I am grateful for my life. And grateful that I have the opportunity to even call my mindset content. Anyways, I was driving today, and I realized that I always think about the same things. That realization frightened me. Am I really that basic and shallow? How can my thoughts be completely consumed by variations of generally the same things: sweet memories, my family and friends, my schooling, my inspirations, my people and my future. That’s essentially all I think about. How selfish of me. How can I only be concerned about the few things and people that live under the umbrella I call my life. What about the outside world? And apart from how selfish this realization made me feel, it also made me realize how much I am limiting myself by this complacency. When I say I’m selfish, I don’t mean that I don’t care about others, or that I put myself before others, I just mean that I am only concerned about the people that are in my world. I don’t think about life on a grand scale. I need to be more aware of every different type of cycle of life. It was just another display of how little I know. I know nothing. I want to grow, and I feel like this attitude I’ve developed is stifling me. If I only consume myself with that I am familiar with, then I will never know other things. It sounds like simple logic, and it is…but somehow it only clicked in my mind tonight. I realized that broadening my horizons in every form (not just the things I do, or the places I go, but even down to broaden my very own thoughts) is the only way I can grow. Growing up is finding yourself. Part of finding yourself is experience. What I mean is that, there are things that I don’t even know that I don’t know. How will I know whether I like something or not, or whether I’d find some beneficial to my life or not if I don’t even know it exists. In order to truly find myself, I need to find the world. I need to know as much as I can possibly know about the world, so that I can thoroughly pick and choose the parts of the world that I feel would define me. Right now, my knowledge is so limited, and therefore my selection of things that I could find relations to are also limited. I was thinking these things tonight, and it baffled me how much I don’t even know about myself. I don’t know everything I could possibly like, or hate, because there is so little I actually know. I want to get to know myself better. I was so surprised when I realized this tonight, because I never thought I’d be the one to fall into complacency. And that surprise alone is a testament of how little I actually do know about myself, because as I was thinking these things I also realized that this attitude isn’t something I just developed overnight, so I shouldn’t have been surprised at all. There has always been heavy hints of monotony in my life. I’ve always been the one to stick to what I know. If I like something I fall into the habit of sticking to that thing. I need to go out and search for more of things I find appeasing. When it hit me how little i know about myself, it made me think: “if this is how little I know about myself, then can you imagine how little I know about the world? If my soul has such limited knowledge on the body it lives in, how much knowledge can it possibly have on the things living outside this body? (side note: I say this in such an odd manner to create a visual. My soul is the center of me– like the core of an apple. My body are the layers surrounding that core sort of like the layers of an onion. That is how I see my body. The deepest, truest form of my is within all the layers. These are where these thoughts sprout from– that seed, or core or whatever. Everything else surrounds it and increasingly dilutes the further it gets from the core. So, if I don’t know much about the direct layers outside this core, then I don’t know anything about the life outside this fruit. )

I love my life. Thoroughly and completely, but that’s no excuse to stop being actively curious. I love my family, I love my friends, I love my surroundings, and mostly I love how much potential and opportunity my life has been blessed with. However, I want more. I want to take advantage of said potential and opportunity. I need to branch out. I need to listen to more music, view more art, listen to more people, read more books, go to more places. I NEED TO EXPLORE. i need to absorb all that the world has to offer and become one with all the aspects that could possibly adhere to my soul. Basically, in simplest terms, what I’m saying is…I’m really just fucking bored.